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  • Dr. Joan Irvine

Recipes for Hot Sex – Fantasy Questionnaire: 1998 vs 2023

In 1998, I co-authored a book titled 'Recipes for Hot Sex – The book for a spicy sex life ... Just Add Love' with Jeannie Ernst, a fitness professional who worked with Jane Fonda. Although the book did not achieve mainstream success, it opened doors for me as an author. It led to various media appearances, including a memorable interview on 'The View' with Barbara Walters. Although, I was most impressed with Joy Behar (

A Chapter of the book was a Fantasy Questionnaire to help couples learn about each other:

  • When I say ‘Hot Sex’, what does it mean to you?

  • What is your sexual style: romantic, adventurous, conservative?

  • Do you like to give/receive massages?

  • If you met your lover in a public place and she pretended she didn’t know you and proceeded to pick you up and ask you back to her place, would this turn you on?

  • Do you like to watch your lover masturbate?

  • Would you like your lover to watch you masturbate?

  • Would it turn you on to have your lover make love o you: at work, in a car, on a plane?

  • Do you like your lover to strip for you?

  • Do you like oral sex?

  • How do you like your lover to dress in the bedroom: silky slip, teddies, corset, pushup bra, garter, and stockings? hat colors: black, white, blue, red?

  • Where is the most exciting place you have ever made love?

  • Where is your favorite place to have sex: bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, car, outdoors, elevator, other?

  • What is your favorite time to make love: morning, evening, afternoon?

  • What words could your lover say during sex that would really turn you on?

  • Do you feel comfortable using adult toys, if so what kind: vibrators, soft restraints, adult videos, costumes, other?

  • Is there anything else you would like your lover to do to add to your excitement and pleasure?

My subsequent work managing an online youth safety association funded by the adult entertainment industry (yes, the porn industry), turned into an eye-opening experience like earning a PhD in sexology. Plus, this experience introduced me to intriguing individuals such as Nina Hartley, Stormy Daniels, and luminaries like Larry Flynt.

Fast forward to 2023, and with 25 more years of experience, I've gained valuable insights about intimacy, both within ourselves and with others. Despite sex being a publicly discussed topic, it remains one of the least talked-about aspects of personal relationships. This taboo often leads to sexual issues among couples. It's time we break this stigma and embrace open conversations about our sexual needs and desires.

As we age, our bodies and sexual needs evolve, making it essential to be open to learning new ways to pleasure ourselves and our partners. Much like updating computer software, we must continuously explore, remove 'bugs,' and add new features to enhance our intimate connections. Variety truly is the spice of life.

Before we delve into the 2023 Fantasy Questionnaire, it's crucial to approach these topics with respect and understanding. While some of the questions may seem shocking or beyond your comfort zone, remember that these sexual practices are more prevalent than you might think. Embracing diverse perspectives allows us to foster a more accepting and inclusive relationship.

The primary premise of my work is that "whatever is SAFE and CONSENTUAL between adults is nature, normal, and OK" and I provide a safe space for people to talk. Not all fantasies become reality and sometimes just talking about fantasies during sex is all that one needs to add that spice.

Fantasy Questionnaire – 2023:

  • What visually attracts you most: eyes, smile, legs, butt, breasts?

  • Are toes and shoes a turn-on for you?

  • What lingerie/costumes excite you?

  • Do you/your partner like groomed pubic hair?

  • How often do you like to have sex?

  • What sexual positions do you prefer?

  • How long can you stay hard before cumming? Do you edge? What is your recovery time?

  • Are you multi-orgasmic?

  • Do you like Oral? Giving/receiving?

  • Do you like your balls played with and/or sucked?

  • Do you like Anal? Giving/receiving?

  • Are there any parts of your body that are off-limits?

  • Are you vocal during sex? Do you like your partner to be vocal?

  • Are you into Public Display of Affection (PDA)?

  • What sex toys do you like?

  • Where do you like to have sex?

  • Do you play with sexual energy which intensifies the body/mind connection?

  • What/who do you fantasize about during sex?

  • Do you like pornography? What genre?

  • Do you have any physical issues that limit sex positions?

  • Do you have any ED? On any medication for it?

  • Are you a voyeur/exhibitionist?

  • Are you into threesomes?

  • Are you into swinging?

  • Would you be willing to share your partner with someone else?

  • Are you a Dominate/Submissive/Switch?

  • Do you like to give/receive pain?

  • Do you like bondage?

  • Do you like to be spanked?

  • Are you into Cockolding? *

  • Are you open to using cannabis or other sexual enhancement products (MDMA aka Ecstasy)?

  • What else should I know about what pleasures you?

Open communication and understanding are the keys to fostering fulfilling and pleasurable sexual connections. We need to continue to learn, grow, and support each other on this journey of exploration and intimacy. If you need help, please consider seeing an open professional who works with couples and sexual enhancement. To schedule an appointment with 'Dr. Joan', contact her at

  • IGNITE ... Your Journey Begins!

  • FIRE ... Unleash the Passion Within

  • FUEL ... The Joy of Living the Best Chapter of Your Life

* Cockolding - a husband derives sexual pleasure from watching his wife have sex with another man. Sometimes this is used for foreplay. Other times, it’s because the man can’t achieve an erection, but wants his wife to still enjoy the pleasure of penetration. This practice seems more prevalent where the husband is much older than the wife and the other man is usually younger.



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